Dreams or just screwed up realities....

            I never really have good dreams or even if I do I don’t really remember them. What I do remember are the fucked up ones. I ain’t talking nightmares here. Just dreams which show me how sad my life really is.

            Like a couple of years ago I had this dream about getting a bike, or rather the process of getting a bike and then at the last moment my mom tells me that there is no chance in hell I will be allowed to get a bike. Now in reality that situation exists but how sad is my life that even in my dreams I can’t get a bike.

            Which brings me to why the sudden urge to write about dreams. Well last night I again had another fucked up dream in which I was very good friends with a really hot girl from my school and she confesses to me that she is still in love with her ex. How fucked up is that???

            Even in my dreams I cant get the girl of my dreams. How fucked up am I? General ponderings of an overused mind I guess…

Life and other shit!!!

    Its been a long time since the last blog. Primarily cause i was busy and mostly cause i used to think of some topic to blog about but never really got down to it. But this time its a topic that has greatly been on my mind. And i thought i had to get it out there in the collective conscious of the internet. Either that or just as a self reminder of the things i am going through.

    I had never really been in a serious relationship till now. The fantasy of a relationship is very different from the harsh reality of it. Cause two people whose hopes and dreams have to merge into one. And everybody has different agendas and priorities. You may settle on some, but what happens if two people get into a relationship whose core priorities are completely different. You may love one another but is that really enough? How important is compatibility?

    A friend told me that the first 11-18 months of a relationship is like being on cocaine. Your brain releases the same chemicals that are released when u do cocaine. But eventually the passion fizzles out and

what you are left with is two people sharing a room. So its better to have someone who has the same likes an interests as you. The problem with that approach is that first off it is difficult to find someone

who has the same likes and interests as you in the opposite sex.(Especially if ur a geek like me.) Girls are hardly ever interested in sci-fi and electronics. And secondly same likes and interests does not equate to liking the girl. Also using that logic a relationship can only be evaluated 18 months down the line.

    You need to be a serious sociopath to be that cold as 18 months down the line u evaluate and if not compatible you move on.

    So that approach doesn't work from a practical standpoint. Then how do u evaluate a relationship 3-4 months in. You like the girl. Maybe even love her. How do you know if she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? Logically speaking you have very little in common with her. But in all probability you are never going to get a girl who loves you as much as she does. She is willing to accept you for who you are. She is willing to do anything for you. Isn't that enough?

    I always used to think that in marriages girls are younger than guys cause their parents force them into marriages earlier. I now realize that true though it may be, girls do mature earlier than guys. Maybe that is what causes the age differential. A guy at 30 is as mature as a girl at 25. Thats probably why most college and school romances fail. Cause a girl realizes what she wants while the guy is still looking. Maybe he realizes later that the looking was pointless. But that only comes with maturity. Which is the whole point.

:(

Jokes imitating Reality

 Recently I came across a joke which reminded me of an incident in IIT which I will never forget. After we returned from our vacations one semester a friend of mine(Dusad) found one of his four windows broken. To this he comes over frustrated to my room and tells me, "Sala mereko pata laga meri kach kisne todi hai toh mein uski char todke apni teen tod dunga" (If I find out who broke my window i will break all four of his and then break three of mine.) All of us sitting there were pretty mystified till he explained, "Taki usko meri khidki todne ka satisfaction na mile."(So he wont get the satisfaction of breaking my windows). I am pretty sure I am never gonna meet a more unique person in my life.

BTW This was the joke. PS: I have replaced the word New Yorker by Dusad in the joke.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and Dusad are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.

The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.

Dusad says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. Dusad takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.

The chief screams, "What are you doing?"
Dusad looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"

Life Unexpected

While I was out for my walk to I glanced up at the sky. It was one of the rare occasions when the skies in Bombay (Yes I was born in Bombay and I hate the word Mumbai, even though I am a Maharashtrian.) were clear enough for me to see the stars. I spotted Orion in the sky, pretty much the only constellation I can spot, and was transport back to my IIT days. I used to see that constellation quite often when I was there and somehow it became a trigger in my mind for IIT (the same way Enrique’s “I’m not in love” song seems to be a trigger for me remembering studying for the JEE, that damn song used to play every night on VH1, whenever I was taking a study break). Anywayz while I was back in IIT I used to always think whenever I think back about this place I am gonna hate it. I am gonna hate the classes, the food, most of the profs and all the other shit that IIT put me through. I always thought that if ever I am in a position of power I would change this place inside out. Would do things the way they should be done. The typical fantasies an over smart brain with nothing to do concocts. This isn’t going where you think it’s going. I don’t have fond or cherished memories of that place nor have I suddenly realised that what they did was justified or really even needed for that matter. I still hate its guts. But looking back I have a feeling of indifference towards the place. I just don’t give a damn about it anymore. Loving or hating the place implies that you still care about it one way or another. I just feel indifferent towards it. Almost everybody I ever talked to had fond memories of their alma mater. Some hated it. But no one I talked to felt indifference towards theirs. So is it just me? Is hating your alma mater better than not giving a damn at all? I really don’t know or care…

Changing Lanes

A long time ago someone told me that they weren't the same person anymore. It had been 3 yrs since I had seen her and a lot had changed. I didn't believe it at the time. Thought that it was all psycho-babble bullshit way of blowing me off. Now that i think about it she was probably right. She was blowing me off, but she had also changed. I didn't want to accept it till recently, because I thought I hadn't changed, but people do change. I know I have. I used to be a hopeless romantic but I am much more cynical now. I see life much more differently. I see a lot more shades of gray than i would have when I was 18. Maybe at the core I am the same person and I am sure she is too, but life has a way of shaping ...character. All life the character keeps on getting molded to finer and finer details but the base material remains the same.

This realization hit me when i was having a hypothetical argument with my friend about the fact that i would quit working once I had a billion dollars. He said i wouldn't cause i wouldn't be the same person than that i am now. He said i would never make a billion if i planned to quit after that. I argued with him then but the more i think about it the more i think he was right. Its not that having money changes people. I would be perfectly capable of quitting if i won the lottery. But earning my way to that money would take its toll on me, on anyone.

Seven years ago if someone had asked me would you have money or the girl of your dreams i would have answered in a heartbeat. The girl, if you are wondering. But today the same question would be followed by another question. How much money are we talking about giving up??? I just hope at the end of the day the cynic in me doesnt win. I really wouldn't like to live in that kinda scenario.

Casablanca

I watched Casablanca for the first time today. It’s a good movie. The thing that it most made sense to me in that movie is difficult to explain. I won’t try to hard too anyway. But it changed something in me. I was in love once. Almost everybody who knows me knows who it was with. It didn’t work out, for various reasons. It wasn’t really like Casablanca, infact it wasn’t at all like Casablanca, she was never in love with me. But we had something. Then it was over. I did what any guy did when he is heart-broken. Drank like hell and tried to forget that it happened. But life doesn’t really work out that way. I was sure I would never fall in love again. But I was wrong. I haven’t fallen in love if that where you think this is going. Don’t really have any girl in my life right now to fall in love with. But what I realized is that I could fall in love again. Sooner or later it will happen (I hope). And when it happens I won’t look back. People see Casablanca and interpret it in a million different ways. This in a twisted way is my interpretation. Love can happen again given the right person. I am waiting for mine...

Fidelity

Why are we so obsessed with monogamous fidelity?. . . The underlying presumption -- that a human being has some kind of property rights over another human being's body -- is unspoken because it is assumed to be obvious. But with what justification?

Even sticking to the higher plane of love, is it so very obvious that you can't love more than one person? We seem to manage it with parental love (parents are reproached if they don't at least pretend to love all their children equally), love of books, of food, of wine (love of good scotch does not preclude love of a cool beer), love of movies, poets, holiday beaches, friends . . . why is erotic love the one exception that everybody instantly acknowledges without even thinking about it? Why can a man not love two women at the same time, in their different ways? Whats so wrong in it?